Lois part 2 (risky business)

I love what C.S. Lewis has to say about LOVE-it's dead on, and I not only agree, I've experienced it as most of you most certainly have if you live and breathe in this world.
C.S. Lewis (to give you a little background)-never wanted to open up to the idea of love. It was too dangerous to him. He couldn't accept the fact that it caused pain. That when you enter into a loving relationship with someone-you will eventually end up in a hurting state. There will be emotional pain involved. C.S. Lewis would rather live without love. He'd rather live without the risks involved of loving someone. It was just too risky to put his heart out there and on the line for another human being. He-out of that fear, lived without love for quite sometime.

The more he studied Christianity, the more and more he became open to love though-and finally risked it all for a woman named Joy, later in his life. He took such a big risk with her that he married her. She gave him the most joyous days of his life-and vise versa. It was like he bottled up all that love that he hadn't shared and saved it all for her. It was a risk for him though, because eventually, not too long after they were married-Joy died of cancer. But without that pain that he experienced in her death, he never would have experienced the happiness they shared. The joy they had together! He had to have that pain to have such love!

Well, I am feeling a bit like the earlier C.S. Lewis these days. Anyone who knows me knows that I would give a stranger my heart practically. I love people-and have a huge heart and compassion for people. More so now with Christ in my life- I really try to focus in on who I can love and serve besides myself! That is the ultimate goal, isn't it? That was Jesus'.

I am a pretty vulnerable person, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am open, emotional, compassionate, and always willing and wanting and ready to help. Especially the down and out, the poor, the widow etc...as you read in my previous blog "Lois", I had befriended her and taken time out of my life to serve her and reach out to her. I mentioned she was quite the spit fire, and a bit negative. Sort of a cynic. Even more reason she needed LOVE.
But I could handle it. So I thought.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I picked her up for a Caribou Coffee. I told her I only had a little over an hour and that I needed to be home for my daughter (plus with my health being so awful right now, I don't last too long out of the home). Anyway, we were enjoying our Ho Ho Mocha's and out of the blue, she looked at me with a mean look on her face and said "Well you're a inquisitive young girl aren't you?" I was so taken aback, I didn't even know how to respond. I didn't even know what specifically she was talking about! I do tend to ask questions-it's how I communicate and get to know people-it's how I keep things going etc...I must have been on a role, and she snapped! I felt so awful!
She got up right away and went to the bathroom-
Then about 15 minutes before we left, a friend that I knew from when I worked at Caribou came up to us and started chatting. Lois and I were on the sofa and she sat down on the coffee table. Lauren and I started talking about how Lauren was a dancer, and I told her how my daughter was too etc... so we were connecting on that. Each thing we talked about though, I made sure that I wasn't blocking Lois with my head, and that she was in the conversation too.

During the whole time Lauren and I were talking, I could hear Lois make this sound (she makes this groaning sound when she is frustrated or irritated), I was like "oh no".... Lois then reminded me snottily that it was 2:00, and "don't you have to get going?".

So we all headed out the door, as I was catering to Lois as usual "Can I through your cup away for you? Can I help you with your coat?" She was like dissing me the whole way out the door. She was very upset, like steaming!

Then we got outside, and I said goodbye to Lauren, and I asked Lois if she wanted a ride to Cub (she knew I couldn't help her with her groceries that day, and that she had to call the DARTS bus for a ride home)-and she ignored me! I was like "Lois, don't you want a ride down to Cub?"
She just said rudely"It's nice out (which it wasn't, it was like 40mph winds that day)-I'll walk!"

I was like "Bye", and she just ignored me!

Lauren was in her car and I was getting into mine, and we just looked at each other like, "What the heck?"

I was so determined, because I was so confused-so I drove it down the side of the sidewalk and I saw her just about getting to Cub, and I stopped my car and rolled down my window, and I yelled out "Bye Lois (still no response, she saw me and ignored me), bye Lois, Lois?"

FINALLY she took her left hand (which looked like she was going to flip me off)-lifted it quickly and shooed me!!!

I was so hurt that day and am honestly still confused. I called my husband right away in shock! I asked him what I did wrong!

I wanted to give up right then and there. My attitude quickly was not good. There was so much I was feeling and I was so frustrated, and my thoughts were NOT godly! I mean, what is the use!? Here I am barely getting by on my own, I have my own family, my own friends, my own church, my own house-and I'm spending time with you woman!

I felt like C.S. Lewis. It's not worth loving, and investing in others, because all that occurs is pain. I just get hurt. I just am unsatisfied. It's not fair. No one loves me the way I love them. I am tired of trying. It's not fulfilling to me. I can protect myself if I don't give of myself. No one is good to me back and on and on and on.

But I have got to know that even if I get hurt in the process, and Lois treated me the way she did (I have left her a message or two and have not heard back from her yet, so I will keep you posted)-I need to persevere! No matter what the cost, I must love! I must serve! No, not let people walk all over me, and I'll have to see how it goes with Lois, because if that kept up that would not be healthy.

But I must and you must take the risk, the time, the pain, the joy, the tears, the laughter, the calling, and the most important thing, the higher purpose and LOVE. If not for yourself, or for the other person, for GOD. I know that if Lois doesn't see who I am and doesn't give me the stamp of approval, or appreciate me-it's ok-because GOD does. What He thinks is all that matters. He sees what I am doing here on earth for Him. It may hurt, it may be unfair, it may be ugly, it may not be how I want it, and it may not be fun-but it's God's work.

No matter who we choose to love, whether it's people we know or people we don't know-we must take risks-there will always be pain involved, whether it's through conflict, or someone being unfair to us. But that can not stop us from reaching out and doing the Lord's will.

He was a servant-we are to be servants. He was love-we are to love-He had grace-we are to give grace-He forgave-we are to forgive-He didn't gossip-we are to not gossip-He was selfless-we are to be selfless. No matter how risky the business might be-risk it ALL if it's in the name of Jesus! Endure what may lie ahead and fix your eyes on Jesus-get your strength from Him-refocus on Him if you get hurt-go back to your center, and that has to be Christ-then you will have the will to love on.

The painting above is by Lois Ireland (Zwettler)
Morning Glory//Oil on canvas//1948
University of Wisconsin- Madison